The Three Baltic-teers
by Mocha-mono
Summary: The Three Baltic-teers: a trio of nervous servants-turned-adventurers who are employed by the creepy-cute King Ivan to chase off evil from their kingdom. What with the evil witches, monsters, and war criminals, insanity is just about inevitable. Kind of crack-ish, Kingdom AU.
1. Introduction

**((OK, BEFORE I SAY ANYTHING LEMME JUST SAY THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE THREE MUSKETEERS. I SWEAR.**

**I was reading some books today and I was thinking about how I really need to update my other fanfic, Cinema Shock. I was also thinking of my very bad title puns to make for chapter titles, and I remembered how I named one of the chapters "The Three Baltic-teers". **

**BOOM. Plot bunny.**

**So I devised up this AU where the Baltic Trio are Russia's adventuring cavalry in a magic kingdom where they are told to fight off witches (like the wicked Natalya) and find magic artifacts and junk. **

**IT SOUNDED LIKE A GOOD IDEA, OK?**

**Anyway, so enjoy the intro.**

**Hetalia is not mine.))**

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Hetalia, there was a kingdom. The kingdom was called the Kingdom of Soviet, and was ruled by the ever-so-cute yet ever-so-creepy King Ivan. King Ivan was very powerful and very intimidating, so the other kingdoms like the Kingdom of Freedom and the Kingdom of Scandinavia stayed as far away from him as humanly possible.

However, despite King Ivan's grip on his kingdom, he had a bit of a problem. There was a lot of witches and sorcerers and monsters that wanted to threaten him.

That's when these dorks came in.

"Toris, Eduard, Raivis," said King Ivan, "Come here."

His three servants, Toris, Eduard and Raivis, scrambled into the throne room and bowed. "Y-yes, sir?"

"I'm sure you have noticed that there are many evils out and around these days," King Ivan said, "Many of these evils are after me, you see."

"We certainly have noticed, sir," piped up Raivis, earning him a nudge from Eduard.

Luckily, King Ivan wasn't that offended and continued, "I need some people to help fend off these creatures for me. So, I am announcing very big news!"

The three servants held their breath.

King Ivan smiled cutely. "I am going to appoint you three as my new calvary!"

"WHAT?" the servants exclaimed.

"Surely...you must be joking, sir…" Toris said shakily.

"Not in the least!" King Ivan replied cheerfully. "You know how much I like you three, so I am sending you off to be my little adventurers! Isn't it great?"

_No, it isn't, _the three thought, but didn't dare vocalize.

"Anyway, let's get you three some uniforms and send you on your first journey!" King Ivan said, smiling happily. He clapped his hands. "Oh, Katyusha! Could you fix these three up for me?"

The big-breasted Katyusha ran out, beckoning the three inside the dressing rooms. "Right away!"

…

…

And so began a very, very odd life for the three Baltic-teers.

**((Sorry if it was sorta OOC, this is my very first time writing the Baltic Trio. **

**I hope you enjoyed this! Mind you, you can request future adventures for these guys, in case I run out of ideas. ^^ **

**Later~))**


	2. The Wicked Witch, Part 1

**((OK, so I decided to keep on with this stupid little story of mine! I'm trying to update stuff today, people. I'm sorry. ^_^"**

**So! Enjoy. Hetalia is not and never will be mine!))**

A few minutes in the dressing rooms later, the adventurers emerged. The trio was clothed in fancy blue and white uniforms, all with large hats that bore the kingdom's flag. They were even given fencing swords.

"I must admit, this is pretty fancy," Toris remarked.

"As fancy as his Highness can get, at least," said Eduard, sweatdropping. Raivis just stuttered.

"Come over here, you three!" King Ivan called from the throne room. The trio immediately flew over there, nerves coming back already.

King Ivan put his hands together, a cute, happy smile on his face. "Alright, boys! Let us be getting this show on the road!" He pointed to a painting on the wall. "That," he said, "is my little sister Natalia, a.k.a the Wicked Witch of the Woods. She is in love with me, see, but fortunately, I do not love her in the same way."

"Don't you mean "_un_fortunately", sir?"

"Nyet."

"Oh, okay then…"

"Moving on," King Ivan continued, "Because I have not returned her affections, she has decided to destroy my kingdom. So, I am going to send you three out to fend her off at her castle!"

"All by ourselves?!" the three cried. "We can't do it, your Majesty! We just can't!"

"Oh?" King Ivan prompted, smile not leaving his face for a second. "Then how would you like to go join some of our friends from the cooking club here?"

The trio immediately straightened, a shiver going down their backs. they sighed. "Y-yes, sir…"

"Wonderful!" King Ivan exclaimed, clapping his hands. He pulled out his "scepter" (which was really an old pipe) and announced, "May the adventuring begin!"

**Somewhere in the outskirts of the Soviet Kingdom…**

"Are we really going through with this?" Raivis asked, hands shaking as they walked through the shrubs. "We won't be able to handle a witch all by ourselves!"

"We don't have a choice, Raivis," Toris said with defeat in his voice. "It's either that or the trenches. Like the poor cooking club."

"Let's not think about that," said Eduard. "Let's try to focus on the fact that we're going the wrong way."

"WHAT?" Toris had been talking, staring at the map and worrying himself sick the entire hour they had been walking. He must have been in such a trance that he completely disregarded what the map was telling him. Shoot.

Toris sighed heavily. _This is going to be a very long journey…_

**((I always feel really bad for these guys. They go through so much hell. ^_^'**

**Don't ask what happened to the cooking club. Let's just say it involved a steel pot and lots of fire. **

**OK, so that's all for this chapter! See ya!))**


End file.
